The Noticing #23

I've Got Sunshine

Hi, hello! We are back to school after an extended spring break; a line of thunderstorms moving through the state led our school system to call off our first day back. I get it, I really do but having an unexpected extra day after a break really killed my back to work vibes. I was so ready to get that to-do list done but alas, we pivoted and did our best.

All things considered, we had a nice week off of school and I am super grateful for that. If you’ve got anyone living at your house who struggles with breaks in routine or schedules or if you’ve got small needy people to care for, you know that there is no guarantee that time off will actually be restful or restorative. Sometimes it can be the exact opposite and we have had plenty of years where that was the case!

I’m writing this with the background noise of several children talking to me at the exact same moment but even so, it’s time to get this newsletter kicked into gear.

*Connections: In which I confess my affection for Facebook

*Affiliate Links: I’m traveling this week and making stress purchases like these

*Recommendations: Book and show review/rec

*Cloudland Cottage: We’ve got big family news at our home! Meet Sunny.

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Connections

I’m going to admit something that maybe should embarrass me: I freaking love Facebook. I know, I know; we are all hating social media for lots of reasons these days and I’m on board with all of those. We can talk about the billionaires and the culture shift another day. The psychology major and story collector in me LOVES Facebook: a gigantic platform where tons of people give you all sorts of data about themselves for free! It’s the online version of people watching in an airport. How many things have you learned about people in your neighborhood simply by observing how they behave in a neighborhood FB group? An entire spectrum of human behaviors and responses right there for the observing.

Something unlocked for me in the writing of an essay I recently wrote called How to Change the World. It was a risky thing to share. On the other side of that risk, I was able to articulate something new about what I believe and feel stirred to offer. I wrote about my belief that when someone is unable to offer empathy for someone else’s suffering, that behavior is revealing something about them and not about the person who is hurting. I talked about how I told my friend, in a snarky and hurt tone, that their trauma was showing. After some reflection and through the gift of 20/20 hindsight, I wish I had said it differently. I realized that what I actually wanted to say is: your story is showing.

And so is mine.

Every relational encounter is a meeting of two stories, histories, genetic makeups, expectations and experiences. We’ve all watched as someone responded to the exact same situation completely differently than us. It can be frustrating and isolating and make us wonder whether we are too sensitive or if someone else is uncaring or cold or passive. Why does this thing <insert an entire spectrum of behaviors> bother me so much while someone else is able to feel (or show) absolutely nothing? Why is this thing a total trigger for me and not you? Why is a friend recounting something that her MIL said that completely undid her but didn’t really seem like that big of a deal to me?

I believe that the answers to these questions are found in our own stories.

In Oprah’s book, What Happened to You?, she writes, “Most people who are in the process of excavating the reasons they do what they do are met at some point with resistance. “You’re blaming the past.” “Your past is not an excuse.” This is true. Your past is not an excuse. But it is an explanation—offering insight into the questions so many of us ask ourselves: Why do I behave the way I behave? Why do I feel the way I do? For me, there is no doubt that our strengths, vulnerabilities, and unique responses are an expression of what happened to us. Very often, “what happened” takes years to reveal itself. It takes courage to confront our actions, peel back the layers of trauma in our lives, and expose the raw truth of our past. But this is where healing begins.”

We’ve all heard the phrase that hurt people hurt people. We’ve all experienced the reality of being hurt by a hurting person. We’ve all inadvertently hurt someone we love and felt remorse or shame later. We’ve all had to do the mental gymnastics and complicated emotional work of trying to navigate a difficult relational interaction in which we are able to guess why someone may have hurt us and still attempt to reckon with the reality that we were hurt.

How do you handle a situation when someone hurts you even though you know that this person is probably hurting you out of their own pain?

Do you give them a free pass? Do you try to understand? Do you offer grace? Do you put up a boundary? None of us would answer these questions in exactly the same way because none of us are starting from the same place.

You might be totally fine with the way that you respond to the people in your life (or on your Facebook groups). Every relationship in your life might be easy peasy. Parenting might be a piece of cake. But if you feel like maybe there could be a benefit to thinking about why you respond the way that you do, I encourage you to start taking a kind, curious peek at your own story. You might find that some of the experiences of your past that you’d rather avoid actually have some insight and clues to healing some hurts and changing the patterns that you feel powerless to change. I’m working on creating more individual resources for this work as well as offering coaching and support for people who would like to start engaging their stories with a guide or friend. If you’re not ready for any of that yet, that’s cool; there’s more than enough Facebook drama to keep me occupied.

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Affiliate Links

Last week I posted an essay about how I’ve been absolutely frozen in my work life lately. Most of my stress response is due to the fact that I’m attending a conference in Orlando this week called Mom 2.0. I’m going to be honest, I have no idea what to expect and I’m extremely nervous. But my friend Tara of House Peace encouraged me to go and I’m trusting her and a couple of my internet friends like Indiana Adams and Kristin Young. What if it all works out, right?

Every time I travel I feel the need to get my entire life together before I leave town. There is just something about a deadline that gets an ADHD girl’s butt in gear. Here are some of my stress buys in anticipation of this trip!

This fan favorite of a sleep mask with built in headphones. I gave one of these to Corey last year but finally decided I need one for myself! I got this skirt for Christmas but still haven’t worn it yet. I’m excited to try it out; I have it in pink and it’s so pretty. This is TMI but that’s literally what this blog exists to do and so I will share with you that I do not travel without my Oxy-powder poop pills.

I am a forever note-taker and these pens and these journals have finally been narrowed down as my favorite combination. The notebooks come in so many colors and eventually I’m going to have a collection of all of them! These small clear bags are perfect for storing all kinds of things at home and when traveling.

Don’t leave home without one of these portable chargers. I love this solid perfume by Glossier; the smell of it and the ease of it. Also it lasts forever! I’m still on the search for a dressier pair of jeans that I like! Will report back on these.

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Recommendations

I’m about to finish a novel, y’all. Like a whole book for the first time in several weeks! There is just not enough time for me to consume all of the media that I would like to consume. My friend Camille is an avid reader and I totally trust her recommendations; she is so gifted at pulling out phrases and paragraphs that resonate. When she recommended this one, I immediately added to my list. I have truly loved it, even though it is pretty slow and often sad. If you like a character driven story and are okay with a slow read, I highly recommend How the Light Gets In by Joyce Maynard. Read the paragraph below for one of the pages I sent to Camille to tell her I understand why she recommended this book!

My other recommendation is the show Shrinking on Apple TV. I love it so much. I love the way the second season is a little more complex and delves into the backstories of the characters. It’s super crude and isn’t for everyone but once I got used to it, I fell head over for the way they depict so many complicated realities.

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Cloudland Cottage Update

We’ve got big news around our house: we accidentally got a puppy! Meet Sunny! I was dead set on waiting until summer but my son Keilor found a breeder about 15 minutes from where we were staying over spring break. I immediately fell in love and we brought Sunny home the next day. As my husband Corey said, “what did you think was going to happen when you agreed to go see Golden Retriever puppies?” She is so sweet and beautiful and has been an absolute terror now that she’s settling in and getting comfortable. So far, no puppy regret.

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Ok, guys, I’m heading to Orlando for this conference and I have no idea how it’s going to go. I’m scared to death but I’m doing it anyway! I’ll report back. Thanks for being my people and for cheering me on no matter what happens next. Take good care of your good bodies and I’ll talk to you soon!