Back for round two! Thank you for being here. Thank you for encouraging me in my writing and for helping me feel less alone in the world. I know that there are an abundance of voices in your world and here I am throwing myself into the middle of it as if I have something to offer. I am choosing to acknowledge this discomfort, feel the weight of it, name the possibility that this is a failure, let myself also feel the hope that it is an offering that is helpful or edifying to others and then keep going.
This newsletter will include the following:
An essay about a scooter wreck and how we processed it
Early March garden update and my to-do list
Podcast and book recs
Reviews of some of the products I got for Christmas off my Amazon wish list
An attempt at levity (my 15-year-old son and trusted advisor ((not even kidding)) said I needed to be more fun on here)
Connections
I have always found it fascinating to observe the way that certain phrases or slang enter into every day language. I clearly remember when my peers started using the word “random” and the reason I remember it is because I was trying to be cool and decided to first try using it at home before I took the risk of trying it out in front of my friends. I was a freshman in college when I started to hear that things were “sketchy” and I loved it when we all started shortening it to “that’s sketch.”
In my 40s, a lot of the new language I hear entering every day conversation revolves around trauma. Today I want to talk about a phrase I hear almost every day: the body keeps the score.
The Body Keeps the Score is the name of a 2014 book by Bessel van der Kolk about the way trauma rewires the human brain and affects behavior throughout a lifetime (not just immediately after a traumatic event). The book focuses on what a lot of people call “big T trauma” referring to events or experiences like physical or sexual abuse, military combat and growing up around addiction. It’s well worth your time.
But what about everyday life experiences?
Once I started thinking about the concept of the body remembering any kind of pain, I had an entirely new understanding of how and why my body is so anxious. You can dismiss what happened in your life as “not big T trauma” and end up missing the reality that your body is communicating with you all day every day about its efforts to keep you safe.
Yesterday morning was a beautiful day and Cora, age 7, wanted to ride her scooter to school. We were moving right along, playing our usual guessing game and waving to friends who passed in their cars, enjoying the sunshine. She looked back at me laughing. And then bam. She hit a bump and went forward, caught herself on her hands and knees and started to cry. Scraped hands, bloody knees, bruised pride, the whole deal. I ran home to get first aid supplies and the car while she stayed with her dad on the sidewalk as he comforted her in her pain; I doctored her up and drove her to school.
Today we tried again. Her body kept the score. Her body remembered what happened yesterday. I didn’t have to say, “hey, be careful on your scooter because it was right around this spot that you hit a bump and you fell down and skinned your knees.” The moment she felt the tenderness of her scraped knees when she woke up this morning, her body remembered that fall. When she walked out the back door and saw her scooter this morning, her body remembered that fall. When she chose to walk her scooter up the hill instead of riding it in that spot without me saying a word, her body remembered that fall. And I guarantee you that even if I never spoke another word about it, she would remember that fall when she passed that spot. Her body felt pain in that location. Her body felt discomfort. The good news is that she had two parents who love her with her to help her process that experience. Two parents to sit with her in her pain and say things like “I know that was so scary” and “I’m so sorry that happened to you” and “let me get you some water and a band-aid and sit with you until you’re ready to get back up and try again.”
I have so much more to say about the work we need to do in our own stories of honoring the reality that our bodies keep the score and remember the painful things that have happened to us. I encourage you to pay attention to when and where your body might be communicating something to you. Your nervous system is often out ahead of your thinking brain. There are times when I will feel a wave of anxiety and have no idea what has triggered that response until I pause and give some space to it. If you’re nervous at the dentist (like me), there’s probably a story there. I have anxiety at certain intersections because I have had panic attacks in that same spot. I can remember a parking lot where I had to pull over while having a migraine and call a friend for help. My body remembers that experience every time I pass that church parking lot, even though I literally pass it multiple times a week.
My job as Cora’s mom is to help her INTEGRATE the experience of that fall into a bigger story in her brain. For a long time, I might have thought that last sentence was an extremely dumb thing to say. Why in the world would I keep bringing up something that was more or less a regular thing to happen to a kid riding a scooter on a sidewalk to school? It’s just part of life, right? Dust yourself off and try again? Be tough!
How’s that working for you?
The work I will do with Cora is about listening to her body. Asking questions like what do you remember about falling? What hurt the most? Were you embarrassed crying or just crying because it hurt so bad? All of this will help her to integrate that event into a larger narrative that I hope will guide her as she grows up and the stakes get bigger. The narrative I want for her is this: sometimes you fall down when you are not expecting it. Sometimes you fall and it hurts really really bad. But hopefully when you fall, you know to look around for someone who cares about you who can help bandage up your hurts and sit with you until you start to feel a little better. The scars might still be there but you don’t have to go through this alone. It’s okay to say how bad it hurts. There is no reason to rush through your pain. All your feelings are safe here.
You can believe that your parents did the best they could and know that they did not have the skills or words to parent you in this way. No one was telling our parents about how the body keeps the score. But just because you’re a grown-up doesn’t mean that you don’t still need someone to sit with you in your pain until you’re ready to get back up and try again. And sometimes the someone that you need is yourself.
Gardening
Guys, it’s spring! We made it. It is almost the middle of March and every day is greener than the one before. Carpenter bees are literally crashing into my windows. For me, gardening is about the process, the slowing down, the simultaneous commitment I make to care for it while also acknowledging how much of its growth and flourishing is out of my control. (Wait, am I talking about parenting? I swear I didn’t mean to be.) I can and will post beautiful images of the flowers and vegetables that grow in my garden. But the behind the scenes hands in the dirt, pulling weeds, forgetting-to-water work will be going on too. (I’m sorry, the metaphor won’t quit.)
My March garden to-do list is to continue to prep my flower beds, pots and raised beds. This means lots of weeding and digging. I am also going to do some shopping! This is one of the most fun parts of gardening. Birmingham has so many great nurseries and garden shops! My favorites include Sweetpeas, Shoppe, Colliers and of course the best of all time, Petals from the Past in Jemison, AL.
If you want to start a kitchen garden (meaning growing food you can use in your kitchen), I recommend starting with herbs. Maybe everyone else knows this but it’s more fun to grow things you actually eat. I recommend mint, basil and rosemary. These are fun for summer drinks and pasta dishes as well as including in arrangements. If you are new, buy the plants at the store, a bag of potting soil and put them in some pots outside. Water them in the mornings. Cut them when you’re cooking. Feel like a gourmet chef in an instant. You don’t have to start them from seeds.
If you want to grow flowers, start with zinnias. You can start these from seed. I know you can. Get a biggish pot and fill it with potting soil or dig a small area in a bed. This is a good option of variety of zinnias to try. Put the pot in the sun and water them and they will reward you. Some other favorites for summer arrangements are coneflowers, cosmos and coreopsis.
Also, keep some clippers or scissors in the car in case of wildflower spottings so you can embarrass your kids when you get out on the side of the road.
Amazon Links
This part (still) feels weird but I’m (still) going with it. I keep an Amazon wish list throughout the year where I save things that I am not willing to buy for myself but would like to try at some point. It’s super fun to add them throughout the year because I’m always so surprised when I open things! My mom and mother-in-law will have to remind me “it was on your list!” Here are a few things that I got this year that I would recommend! Sticking to beauty and clothes for this week but next time I have some fun house stuff I want to share.
Babe Lash eyelash serum. I love this stuff. I have tried more expensive ones and I have tried the cheapies and this one is my favorite by far.
If you’ve seen me this winter, I was probably wearing this sweatshirt. I have it in at least five colors and a couple of brands. I wear it in this color for school sports events. I love a mindless seasonal uniform so this winter has been leggings/joggers/sweatshirt on repeat. Best leggings hands down.
I want someone else to try this hair mask and tell me if you think it works. I think it’s working because my hair feels healthier but it’s one of those things that you don’t know for sure because the box says you have to use it several times to REALLY tell a difference and I’m like are you just playing games with me here? I like that you put it on after the shower because it shortens my shower time.
I went back to check and I have been using this exfoliator gel since 2015. I still love it! It’s not cheap but it lasts a long time and it makes it feel like you’re taking layers of your skin off in a way that is somehow gentle and not irritating at all.
I love this cutie perfume set that my friend Brooke influenced me to buy. It is so fun to try the different scents and it’s so easy for traveling!
I’ve converted to this lip mask. Skincare by Sydney said it was better than the other one and it really is. I LOVE IT.
Podcast/Book Recs
Here is what I’ve been consuming the last couple of weeks.
I very much only enjoy 1/3 of the hosts of this show but I really thought all of the episodes with Lindsay C. Gibson were incredibly thought-provoking, especially in light of the rise of the use of the word narcissism.
I’ve hacked audiobooks for myself finally. I get so bored with most audiobooks; it’s like I am held captive by the storyteller in a way that I do not enjoy! I have finally figured out that I have to listen to very plot driven fiction in order to enjoy it on audio. I have been listening to None of This is True by Lisa Jewell and enjoying it as a treat while I’m driving by myself in the car.
If you would like to learn more about the methodology and heart of the trauma care training that I am enrolled in, this episode explains it well.
I was so grateful for this conversation and all of the nuances of it.
We saved the daylight, guys. Enjoy it!
Thank you for any and all support of my writing, my photography, my musings on Instagram. I don’t take one bit of it for granted.