Coming back into my body has been a complicated experience. I have been fairly vocal about my experience with panic and anxiety over the years and I have felt the very physical symptoms of those things for a very long time. Last weekend I posted about how my migraines are almost always directly linked to stress. I asked people to share how their bodies let them know that they are experiencing stress or anxiety and the answers were varied. It’s clear though that our bodies communicate to us. If we want to choose how we respond to those messages, the first step is welcoming —not resenting—what our body is telling us. I have always hated the physical manifestations of my anxiety and tried my hardest to push them aside and pretend like they weren’t there. I still mostly do this. I can be experiencing a wide range and variety of physical anxiety and look you straight in the face and smile and nod and carry on a conversation and you will never even know. I wouldn’t have admitted it but for a long time, I thought this was a superpower. Look at me, I am fooling everyone. Turns out that all deception comes with a cost.
When I tell you that I subconsciously knew I would end up walking in the woods today, I want to be clear that it has taken me a very long time to trust myself to do what it feels like I have absolutely no time to do. We might culturally pretend to honor rest and self-care but the truth is that we are a productivity, go go go, do all the things and still feel infinitely behind culture. Like all of us, I have a to-do list that will never be finished. The last week has been especially difficult, the last few weeks have been so heavy and hard. Here we are on the precipice of spring break and while I welcome the change of routine and the opportunity to have some time with my family, I know by now that wherever we go, there we are. There is no real escape from the reality of being human. Relationships are hard, friendships, marriages, loss. I value connection more than just about anything and this week connection has felt like one more thing—maybe THE thing—that makes life difficult. The option of conflict-free relationships, drama-less friendships, hurt-free and disappointment-free lives is not available to me or to my children. Sometimes it feels like the longing for it to be otherwise will swallow me whole.
The option of conflict-free relationships, drama-less friendships, hurt-free and disappointment-free lives is not available to me or to my children. Sometimes it feels like the longing for it to be otherwise will swallow me whole.
So today I drove myself to the nature preserve in our neighborhood, got out of the car and started walking. It felt like a gigantic waste of time. I took some pictures, got turned around in the woods, found my way out. It wasn’t even that pretty. I have an innate desire to maximize my time and my days. My mind values efficiency and productivity and these values are often in conflict with my creative, contemplative heart. Can I slow down and breathe and rest and listen but also can I do it as quickly and as efficiently as possible? Can I listen to my book for my class at the same time? Am I getting my steps in? What would it look like to believe that there was enough time for me, enough money, enough rest, enough enough enough that I don’t have to worry and compare and seize every minute of every day? I honestly don’t know. That feels like a dream that might never come true. But today I walked in the woods and trusted my gut rather than my busy mind or sad heart. Because the reality that the body keeps the score also means that the body knows exactly what you need.
Love this. I like how you said “it wasn’t even that pretty,” but it didn’t matter. You knew you needed to go and walk and then still found beauty in these pics. Thanks for sharing Erin!
“The body knows exactly what you need.” Maybe this is exactly why resenting what it is saying it doesn’t work? And why learning to welcome it is the way forward? So much to think about! Thank you!!! I want to go walk in the woods now. (After I clean my kitchen.)